The Family Firm -- Michigan Divorce and Custody Lawyers: Borderline Crazy -- How to Divorce a Narcissist an...

The Family Firm -- Michigan Divorce and Custody Lawyers: Borderline Crazy -- How to Divorce a Narcissist an...: In a room full of divorce lawyers the subject of subspecialties came up.  I half-jokingly offered up "borderline personalities."  ...

Ten Things You Need to Know About Divorce Mediation

Nearly all unsettled divorce disputes are sent to mediation by Michigan judges.  The courts often require mediation before trial because the process can be highly effective.  

Here's ten things to know about the mediation process:

1.    The choice of mediator is normally agreed on between attorneys.  Rarely does a court assign a mediator without input from counsel.  Lawyers chose a mediator based upon several factors--familiarity, cost, wait times, prior successes, personality and process.

2.    Mediation is ordered by the court.  Once lawyers agree, the mediator's name is included in a court order for mediation.  Unless the case settles, the judge will expect the parties to participate in mediation.

3.    It may take a while to get in.  Good mediators are in demand, but often worth the wait. 

4.    Mediator cost is split.  Absent unusual circumstances, courts will usually split the cost of mediation between the parties.  Mediators charge an hourly rate depending on thier skill and locality.  Mediators will send out a letter confirming the date and time of mediation.  In order to hold that date, a deposit is usually required.

5.    The parties are rarely in the same room during mediation.  Mediators design their own process but few have the parties and counsel in the same room.  The mediator will go between rooms, carrying offers, questions and messages back and forth.  Mediators will often take the attorneys and/or financial experts aside but will not meet with the parties together or alone absent unusual circumstances.  Some call this "shuttle diplomacy."  There may be a group meeting at the end to record a settlement.  

6.  Mediation is expensive.  Both parties' attorneys are present with their clients at mediation.  Financial experts for both sides may also attend.  There is a significant amount of preparation required for both counsel, their experts and the mediator before the process can begin. The combined hourly rate of mediation can be very high, but trials are much more costly.

7.  Mediation can be a long process.  Depending on the complexity of the case and/or the willingness of parties to compromise, the first divorce mediation can take up to a full day.  Often mediation can take more than one session, with weeks in between each if schedules are tight or additional information is needed.

8.  Mediation can end with a signed or recorded settlement agreement.  Often mediators or counsel will draft a settlement document to be signed by the parties or record terms at the end of mediation.  This is meant to expedite the process and avoid "buyer's remorse."  The divorce will not be official until the judge approves and signs a judgment or decree, but a signed settlement agreement is almost always binding on the parties, even if one changes his or her mind later. 

9.  If there is not a settlement, the court will not know specific offers or mediation discussions, only that the case did not resolve.  Because parties are encouraged to make their best offer of compromise, the court will not know what the stance of each side was at the end of mediation.  This is to encourage folks to open up without fear that their last/best offer becomes a starting point for the court. 

10.    Mediation is almost always worth it.  Many clients go into mediation with the expectation their case will never resolve, and they're doomed to proceed to trial.  It's imperative to keep an open mind.  Horrific or exaggerated points or views expressed in the opponent's mediation brief may simply be posturing or playing to the client's needs.  Mediation can break down those walls.  

Mediation is an important (and inevitable) step in the divorce process.  At best, the case is resolved and the parties move on.  At worst, the mediation process sorts out the issues and provides a dress rehearsal for trial.

Keep in mind that mediation is far more efficient and humane than trial.  

 

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A ZOOM COURT HEARING

    

The pandemic forced the legal community to "Zoom" into the 21st century.

1. What is a Zoom hearing?  Remote access by telephone, computer or other means is not new. Judges have had the discretion to take testimony or oral argument by telephone as long as the proper advance procedures are followed by the attorney or litigant. COVID 19 and the closure of the physical courtroom in response has necessitated that judges and court administrators quickly set protocols in place so that justice can continue through audo and video access to the Court. Zoom is an app or website which is often used for this purpose.

2. Who sets up the Zoom hearing?  Usually court personnel will send an email prior to the hearing with login information. It's fairly easy to click on the link and enter the hearing.

3. When does the remote access hearing start? Once all the participants have logged on either the court clerk will appear and verify that everyone is present, or the Judge will appear.  If you see a white screen stating the host will let you in, wait until that occurs.

4. Tips for using Zoom?  Do not have light sources at your back, particulary windows or you will appear shadowy.  Have the camera of your computer or phone at eye level.  Close yourself off from pets, children and other distractions.  Dress profesionally and do not wear a cap.  Do not look distracted i.e. check emails while in the hearing.

5. Can I record?  Usually there is a prohibition against recording. The Court will record the hearing.

6. Is a Zoom hearing public?  Usually yes. There should be information in the notice describing how the public can gain access.

    7.  Use common sense.  If driving, pull over.  

           No kids or pets.                                            

           Stay muted until called upon. 

         Act as if you are in a live courtroom.  Remember, the proceedings are recorded, so say or do nothing you would not want preserved for posterity.

What's a Quadro? (QDRO)

DO I NEED A QUALIFIED ORDER TO DIVIDE A PENSION IN MY DIVORCE?

If you're asking the question, you or your former spouse must have pension or retirement benefits which accrued during your marriage.

QDRO is an acronym for "Qualified Domestic Relations Order."  Depending on the nature of the Plan, you may also hear reference to a "Qualified Order."

Expect the process to take several months.

Once the Judgment of Divorce is filed with the Court, the most torturous part of your separation is over, but there's still work to be done.

Qualified Orders are typically prepared and filed after the divorce judgment or decree is signed by the Court.  They are legal documents prepared by a third party, signed by the Court and approved by a retirement plan administrator

Most family law attorneys do not draft Qualified Orders.  They rely upon actuaries, accountants or attorneys specially trained in the the division of pension benefits to draft these orders.  These professionals are better acquainted with the nuances of each plan as they have typically dealt with varied employee retirement benefits.  Each company is different.  There's no "cookie cutter" pension or QDRO.

Judgments usually delineate who will draft the retirement division orders and how much each party will pay.  Most Judgments do not contain deadlines for the process so be proactive.  Your attorney is busy tying up other loose ends and may expect that you will continue the process:

1.   Get in touch with the professional who will be drafting the qualified orders.  Find out the fees and where to pay them.  Most charge a flat fee per order.

2.   Be prompt in making payment.  These companies do not begin the process until they are paid.

3.   Follow up and make sure your spouse has paid his or her share.  If not, get in touch with your attorney and ask her to try to move things along.

4.  Check with your attorney or the preparer's website or office.  Often there is a worksheet which must be filled out and documents needed such as statements showing balances at the time stated in the Judgment. Pull those together and ask your attorney to review and forward to the preparer.

4.  Depending on the complexity of the plan or account to be divided, it can take several weeks before a draft is completed and circulated.

5.   Read the draft carefully.  If needed, call the preparer or your attorney for clarification.  The terms in the qualified order should mirror those described in the Judgment.

Once everyone has approved the qualified order, it is sent to the Judge for signature.

If both sides cannot agree on all of the language or calculations in the qualified order, it could mean a return to the Judge for interpretation.

Once entered by the Court, the qualified order is mailed to the Plan Administrator is named in the order.  Clarify with your attorney exactly who is sending it in.  It should be one of your counsel.

The Plan Administrator can be a designated employee or officer of the business, or an investment company contracted by the employer such as Fidelity.

Each Plan Administrator has its own approval process which can take up to sixty days.  Most Administrators will notify you directly by mail if the qualified order is accepted or rejected.

The letter of approval will spell out exactly how the Administrator will comply.

It's not unusual for an order to be rejected, often for simple reasons such as an updated plan description or incorrectly named administrator.  If that occurs, do not be alarmed.  Administrators must comply with IRS and other state and/or federal requirements which are forever changing.

If rejected the Administrator will spell out exactly what provision needs modification or tweaking.  The preparer typically makes the change upon receipt of the rejection letter with minimal charge.

The entry and approval process then repeats itself, but usually at a faster pace.

It all seems complicated, but these are fairly common orders.

The end is in sight.

Five Reasons To Hire A Divorce Financial Expert

One of the first issues to address with a your divorce attorney is whether or not to hire a valuation expert.

This decision should be made early as the best experts can be quickly snapped up by your opposition.

Hiring an expert at the tail end of the case is complicated by time and document production constraints.  

More often than not a financial expert can be helpful--if only for the piece of mind.  But the good ones are expensive, so it's best to have a cost versus potential benefit analysis discussion with your lawyer at the outset.  If in doubt meet with the potential expert and your attorney to gather more information.  Be frank about your ability to pay.  

There are several reasons to retain a financial expert for your divorce:

1.  Business ownership:  You or your spouse have an ownership interest in a business.  Attorneys are not typically qualified to value a business nor to interpret or audit business records.

2.  Failure to report earnings or income.  If you suspect your spouse or her business of under-reporting income, a valuation expert can conduct a forensic audit of the books.  These types of audits can be very expensive, so be circumspect in this decision.

3.  Tax issues:   How to reduce the tax consequences of transfers incident to a divorce?  Have returns been filed? How to reduce the risk of an audit?

4.  Spending/Debt analysis:  Are you claiming your spouse squandered marital assets through outrageous and wasteful spending?  Gambling?  

5.  Tracing Separate Property:  Did you or your spouse bring assets into the marriage or inherit and estate during the marriage?  An expert can help define and segregate these assets in order to bolster exclusion arguments.  If the assets were co-mingled or marital funds were used to maintain or enhance the property, then an expert can help quantify this analysis.  An argument may exist for inclusion under certain circumstances.

Financial experts also assist in the definition and organization of relevant financial records.  

She can also accompany your attorney to mediation or testify at arbitration or trial on your behalf.  

Always build the best team (within your budget) for the best possible outcome.  

It may take a village.  

More thoughts ...

Ten Things Your Lawyer Will Never Tell You

When Can My Child Decide Where to Live? 

Who Gets the Pets in a Divorce?

Animal lovers may be aghast, but warring parents are often so busy fighting over their two legged offspring that the courts simply don't have the time nor inclination to consider the best interest of Sparky.

A beloved cat, a pampered pup--who gets Mr. Dribbles when mom and dad are breaking up?  Do courts consider the best interest of the pet (or the owner) when making that call?

In some families pets are treated as children.  Particularly when the couple has not conceived or adopted their own.

Not in divorce court.  Michigan judges are required to treat pets as personal property.  Like the coffee table.

Reasonable couples may agree among themselves to share custody of a pet.

The courts cannot order puppy visitation, but some divorce decrees do contain  voluntary provisions--which may be enforceable. 

If Sir Grand Rudolph III is a highly decorated show dog, the court might consider an appraisal by a valuation expert when awarding the little champ to either party--but it's a balance sheet item, not an emotional determination.  Same goes for farm animals.  God's creatures are not treated the same as humans by the court--no matter their place in the household.

What if Chip's strongly attached to his beloved lemur Lexx?  Does the court consider this relationship in deciding which parent will house Lexx?  Not officially, but in some families, the pet may travel back and forth with the child.  This makes sense particularly if the child is responsible for the care of the pet, or the parent who does not have custody at that time works extended hours during her noncustodial time. 

How about his and her pets?  Animals chose their person, so what happens when their persons no longer chose each other?  Should they be split up?  The couple should consider the impact of separating their pets. Will the fur kids get lonely without each other?

What will the new living arrangements be for the divided family?  Will there be a yard?  Will one spouse be working long hours?  Travelling? 

The best advice is to never leave this decision to the court's discretion.  It's not that the judge doesn't care, but she cannot, under the law, consider the welfare of your pet.

Show compassion when making this call.  Don't use the poor dog as a bargaining chip, and don't be cruel.

Buddy just wants his pack back. 

MORE STUFF:

Who Gets the Harley?


Ten Things Your Lawyer Will Never Tell You

Alimony and the New Tax Law

The new tax law is about to have an effect on the pocketbook of divorced or legally separated couples beginning January 1, 2019.  Whether it's positive or negative depends on if you're writing the check--or cashing it. 

After seventy five years, alimony will no longer be deductible by the payor spouse, nor taxable to the payee--a dramatic change which will have a significant impact on divorcing couples and their ability to negotiate a fair settlement.

Alimony or spousal support in varying terms and amounts is not uncommon in divorce or legal separation when the marriage is of significant length, or where there's a substantial discrepancy in income and/or education, health issues or aging parties.  It's also not unusual when a couple has preschool children, and a stay-at-home parent who cannot reasonably balance the cost of childcare with earnings. 

Attorneys have used alimony tax treatment as a favorable method of equalizing household income in order to avoid impoverishing either side.  Deductibility of spousal support was one of the few incentives counsel could use to entice a reluctant spouse to financially assist a lesser earning ex-partner.  Payments to third parties such as mortgage or insurance will no longer be treated as support.

This may seem like good news to the receiver of spousal support, but it's likely the courts will take the lack of deductibility into account when awarding alimony.  Certainly mediators and financial experts, who typically "tax effect" support payments, will do so.  The net effect will be that there will be less income to spread amongst two households. 

Called the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, perhaps the new law should named the Better Get a (Second) Job Act.  Either the payor is going to need some extra income, or the recipient will need to supplement--or both.

Under the prior tax law, income in a divided family could be shifted to the lower income spouse who would likely be in a lesser tax bracket.  The net tax effect would have reduced the overall tax burden.  This was handy, as two households can never survive as cheaply as one.


Beginning in 2019, alimony will be treated the same as child support--nontaxable to the recipient.  The tax treatment of child support will not change.

This seems to contrary to the theme of "Tax Cuts." So what was Congress' rationale? The House Ways and Means Committee termed the alimony deduction a “divorce subsidy.” “A divorced couple can often achieve a better tax result for payments between them than a married couple can.” 

To counterbalance, family law practitioners may try to negotiate a reallocation of the Child Tax Credit.  The Act provides for a temporary increase to $2,000 per qualifying child as well as a $500 nonrefundable credit for qualifying dependents other than qualifying children. 

So, if it looks like you are about to pay alimony, hope that
your decree is signed before the end of 2018 or that your lower earning spouse hits the lottery.

December's going to be very busy.

MORE ABOUT THE MONEY:

The Cost of Divorce

It's Not About the Money!

 

Getting Those Ducks in a Row ~~ And Other Ways to Prepare for Divorce

When the call comes in, the innuendo's always the same.  How to minimize the financial harm of divorce before filing? The caller's usually looking for a sketchy solution.  But most lawyers are only inclined and able to give out legitimate legal options. 

A good forensic accountant once told me "paper never lies."  So if there's a depository bank or brokerage account that holds the family fortune, missing funds can be traced and/or accounted for--but at great expense. 

Quick transfers of real estate fall in the same category.  If it's to a friend or close relative, they can be added as parties to the action in many states if the judge feels there's possible fraud (piling up the fees.)

Baby ducks swim in a row behind their mother.  If one strays, the mama scurries back to corral the straggler. 

Above all, pick a good leader.

Here's a few more tips:

1.   Pay off debts and minimize credit card balances.  Generally debt gets spread evenly unless there's special circumstances like one-sided gambling debt or a Rolex purchased for the pool guy.  If that's the case download and save statements.

2.   Create a realistic standard of living:  This doesn't mean moving your spouse to a hovel, but if the two of you are in over your heads in real estate, consider downsizing to a home that either of you can afford on your own.  The most difficult (and expensive) divorces are those where the economic bubble must be burst in the middle of warfare.

3.   Spend more time with your kids.  If a parent is heavily trekking on the work treadmill in order to float the family boat, the opportunity cost with children is high--especially if they are going to be living with you part-time. 

4.  Go to counseling with your spouse.  You may not be able to save the marriage, but you could salvage the relationship.  Navigating your kids' minority years is far easier on them (and you) if you can learn to co-parent with civility.

5.  Establish independent credit.   Credit scores are the new black.  Check your score and work to improve it, if needed.

6.   Educate your spouse about the family finances.  Show him a monthly balance sheet.  Give her a realistic picture of the inflow and outflow each month.  It may be scary, and there may be some resistance, but be mindful that ignorance is never blissful in a divorce.

7.  Start gathering documentation.  In states where separate property is acknowledged, it's typically considered with appropriate and clear documentation.  This takes time.  So pull together those retirement account statements from the wedding year, or get in touch with the company to track your rollover documents.   This can provide your with lawyer better information when she is assessing potential outcomes.

8.  Look for a decent job or freshen up your degree/training.  It's always better (and less frightening) to be financially independent and emotionally engaged in productive work.  Spousal health benefits rarely last a lifetime.  One of the greyest areas in family law is determining how much income to impute to one side or the other.  So long as the job suits your qualifications, that issue is defined.  Just because a spouse has taken a job doesn't mean the other won't be required to assist with spousal support.  Other factors include discernible discrepancy in income, length of the marriage and age/needs of children.  The judge will respond best to a realistic plan.


Make a trusted work mentor aware of what you're going through.  Find an outlet such as exercise to work off stress. 

Above all, get yourself as mentally and physically healthy as possible.

There's a tough road ahead. 

The Cost of Divorce

Walking out of a divorce settlement hearing, a client quipped "why are divorces so expensive?"  Without pause he added with a smile "Because they're worth it!"  Not too sure about that one--it's like asking if heart surgery was worth the pain?  Divorce may become unavoidable, but no one pays to play by choice.

Divorce comes at a high price and with an equally high price tag.  The emotional torment to the couple and their families can't be quantified.  A once loved and trusted partner is now the source of immeasurable torment. A happy and secure child sees his world torn asunder.  In the midst of this mayhem, a distraught spouse is expected to navigate the most significant financial transaction of her life.  Uncertainty reigns.  Now it's time to hire a lawyer?

So why do thirty percent of the population chose dissolve their marriages and why do they pay so dearly?  It's because a divorce is multiple claims rolled into one, each of which requires a separate resolution by parties who are in the midst of mental warfare.  If Fido nips a passing ankle, the issue is simple and the liability absolute.

When there's a certainty of recovery, (and insurance coverage) law firms take cases on a contingent fee basis, with no "up front" cost to the plaintiff.  State bar associations do not allow the same investment arrangements in divorce actions. 

"Divorce" loosely defines many complex issues above and beyond the dissolution of marriage.  It's never simple. Where will the children live?  What's the parenting plan going to look like?  How much child support will be paid?  Where will junior go to school?  Will spousal support be paid?  Medical insurance?  What's the value of the family business?  Who pays the attorney fees?  Is a financial expert necessary?  Are there hidden assets?  Abuse?  What about creditors?  The IRS?  The list is nearly endless. 

Family law is like a fingerprint--no two cases are alike. 

Family lawyers charge an hourly rate against a retainer which is used up at that per hour rate.  The price varies by experience and locality.  The State Bar of Michigan periodically publishes an Economics of the Law study based on surveys of practitioners sorted by practice and region.  This help a potential litigant get an idea of average costs per county.

With lawyers one gets what one pays for, so be careful when bargain shopping.  It's about communication during the process and a reasonable outcome.


Discount lawyers can cost dearly in the long run. 

Ten Things Your Lawyer Will Never Tell You

Lawyers are all about full disclosure.  We operate in a world of discovery where very little is off limits.  Yet there are some things that your attorney may not be telling you. 

Experienced lawyers are like surgeons.  You don't always get a blow by blow account of the process.  Except in surgery the patient isn't usually wide awake. 

Here's some insight that isn't always verbalized:

1.  There are no guarantees. There are too many variables: the judge, the opponent, how much the other side wants out, and how much each is willing to spend.  If a lawyer seems overly confident in her promises and bluster--be on guard.  It may be solely to charm that retainer right out of your checkbook.  Ask for those promises in writing.  It won't happen.

2.  We get nervous too.  There's often a lot at stake.  Acknowledging the immensity of the issue at hand and the impact any outcome would have on your family is a positive attribute. 


3.  We don't always have the answers.  The key is knowing where to find them or who to call. Sometimes the best answer is "I'll get back to you."

4.  This is gonna take a long time.  Lawyers manage multiple cases in various jurisdictions and often have little control over their own schedules.  Judges acquire thousands of new cases each year.  Still, everyone gets out of the system--eventually. 

5.  The system isn't perfect.  But it's the best there is.  The alternative is inputting the data into a computer, or a slot machine for that matter, and then pulling down that handle...  at least you'd know right away. 

6.  Sometimes it's personal.  Lawyers don't always leave their personal feelings on the courthouse steps.  If it feels like the lawyers are fighting more than the litigants, it's time to lay down swords for a reality check.  Counselor grudge matches only bump up the fees. 

7.  The size of your army doesn't always matter.  The most expensive suit doesn't always get his way.  Preparedness and understanding of the law normally prevails. 

8.  Justice isn't blind.  That judge is watching you in the courtroom!  One eye roll or snicker can cost a litigant the winning point.  Dress like you're going to church.  If the issue is how much you are able to pay, remove the gold chains and Rolex.  Spit out your gum.  Otherwise the clerk may be handing you a tissue right in front of your delighted opponent.

9.  Litigation can be harmful to your health.  I've stepped out into the waiting room, not recognizing a client I saw two weeks hence.  Folks may go on the de-vorse diet, which means either they're not eating or burning up calories in anxious energy, or they may be drowning their sorrows with carbs.  Whatever it is, it's usually temporary--except that new hairstyle.  Those sideburns your wife hated?  You can grow those puppies down to your chin if you like!

10.  Pay attention.  You're paying for our advice--at a hefty price.  My momma always said "you can't learn anything when your mouth is open--except the soup is hot!"

The best tool in your tool belt during this tough time? A realistic outlook and an understanding of the human factor in litigation.


Related articles:

Why Is My Divorce Taking So Long?

Who Gets the Harley?

Borderline Crazy -- How to Divorce a Narcissist and Survive

In a room full of divorce lawyers the subject of subspecialties came up.  I half-jokingly offered up "borderline personalities."  The knowing nods from the rest of the room confirmed I was not unique.  It's not an easy (nor uncommon) occurrence in our line of work. 

Borderline personalities of various degrees are common in high conflict litigation.

Understand that for the borderline, it's truly all about the ride.  These empty souls feed on the fight. 

Healthy minded individuals in the throes of litigation eventually realize that the fight is unhealthy and it's time to move on.  Borderlines have nowhere to go.  Any attention, even via costly litigation, beats the anxiety that accompanies peaceful existence.

The lawyer's challenge is twofold--keeping the client spouse calm and nonreactive and staying away from the crazy vortex created by these voracious personalities. 

One client described the moment when he turned to the internet out of desperation.  Robert had been with his wife for nearly two decades. 

Frustrated, Robert turned to "Dr. Google" to explain a wife whose mindset left him perpetually scratching his head.   Finding a "checklist" online, Robert's heart sank deeper as he checked off most of the criteria for Borderline Narcissist.  His first sad truth.

Borderline essentially describes a human being who can be highly functional, but whose ingrained thought process contains elements of full blown mental health characteristics which restrict the ability to feel empathy. 

Therapy doesn't help borderlines.  That was the second sad truth for Rob.  Borderlines like the way they are--it's everyone else's problem. 


Borderlines lack the human complexities that develop in response to normal human interaction.  The're unable to properly gauge their environment and adapt behavior.  It's not that they don't care, it's simply that they're missing that chip. 

The more calculating can fake it for a while.  That's how healthy people fall in love with them.  Borderlines are not without redeeming qualities--they can be charismatic, successful and driven.  But they're always manipulative at a Ph.d level.

One sign, borderlines often lack humor.  Madam Borderline cannot allow herself the luxury of self-deprecation nor the fear that accompanies any acknowledgment of human frailty. 

It's not pretty when these folks break down.  They completely lack coping skills.  Borderlines are energetic, in every respect, even when they fall apart.  The drama is unmatched.  But they regroup quickly.  Like that scene in The Terminator when the annihilated protagonist is reduced to a pool of shiny liquid metal--once the nose pops out, ugly's only a few seconds away.

Thus the third sad truth for Rob.  There's no easy and quick divorce from a borderline.
 
His fourth and final sad truth was that there's no healthy alternative. 

A partner who's  ending a relationship with a borderline needs a team  (and a plan) to get out.  The plan should not include educating nor changing the borderline.  It also doesn't include winning in a traditional sense. 

To effectively detach from a borderline, it's important to live by these rules:

• Don't waste time hoping for compassion or decency.  It's like expecting a dog to "meow"--he can't. 
• Don't try shame, it has zero effect.
• Don't get emotional or dramatic.  When you lose your cool or show vulnerability--they win.
• Always take the high road.  One slip and the borderline will repeat it from the rafters.
• Document, document, document.  Borderlines are liars.  Be persistent and concise in exposing the truth.
• Expect setbacks.  The mortal world has only half the energy of these creatures.  Take a nap, punch your pillow and get back on track.
• Don't give the borderline a platform.  Most folks know they're nuts.  When you spread your business on the street you give them the opportunity to respond to legitimate outlets.  Stay away from social media.  They thrive on the internet because there is no fact-checking--and no consequences.

For the "normal" partner, it takes a village to unravel the mental rewiring needed from life with a borderline.  So rely on the advice of those outside the vortex.

Keep in mind it's all in the perception of power.  Borderlines do not rule their world, they only convince others to think they do. 


In truth, they are powerless. 

Exhausting, but powerless. 

Zone Five and a Half: Rehab Addict Detroit ~~ Midtown Edition

Zone Five and a Half: Rehab Addict Detroit ~~ Midtown Edition: Nicole Curtis is an artisan with a
hammer.  She restores old homes to their "former glory" using repurposed materials.  Nicole doe...

When Can My Child Decide Where To Live?

The short answer is when she's eighteen and a legal adult.  But if you're asking that question, it's likely that Junior is under the age of majority and has expressed a strong desire to live with you.

It's hard to listen to the plaintive pleas of a child who doesn't want to return to her primary residence.  That feeling of helplessness as a parent is gut-wrenching.  Still, a change of custody is the toughest, most expensive brand of family law litigation, so a thoughtful analysis is in order.

This may be the most formative transaction of your child's young life and cannot be taken lightly.  Under the Child Custody Act, a child's preference is only one of many factors, and can be weighted differently according to the circumstances. 

I usually begin with the following analysis in the initial consult:

1.    How old is your child?  The younger the child, the less likely his preference taken into account.  Sasha's opinion always matters, but the Court is going to want to know if he is of "suitable maturity" to make that call for the right reasons.  The promise of a puppy should not be the motivation.

2.    What exactly is the child telling you?  Is she specific in her desires or do you sense that she has conflicting loyalties?  Is she telling you what she believes you want--or better yet--need to hear. What are the circumstances surrounding her statement to you?  Has your teenager just been grounded by her disciplinarian mother?  Is she being petulant or sincere?  If the child is ambivalent or unclear, it's best not to proceed. 

3.  When is the child expressing this desire?    Does it occur in your ex's driveway at the end of your parenting time weekend?  Put yourself in your offspring's place.  It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love dearly, no matter who's waiting on the porch.  You can bet Chip is saying the same thing to his mom when she drops him off on Friday. Maybe it's possible to spend more time together without a major legal battle, by getting involved as a coach or in other extracurriculars. 

4.   Are there professionals or unbiased third parties who will support the child's preference:  Were you approached by a therapist, counselor, caregiver or teacher who has unequivocally expressed concerns about your child's well being while in the care of the other parent or her household?  My experience is that these folks may be well-meaning, but when put on the stand, often dilute their opinions or recommendations.  Try to get their comments in writing. 

4.  Have you previously raised this in in Court without success?  Courts draw a "bright line" after each change of custody request is considered.  If your child's preference has already recently been considered, there would need to be other extenuating circumstances for the Court to get involved.  So often the frustrated parent comes to see me after the Court's made the decision.  There's not much to be done at that point. Be sure to work with an experienced attorney and best prepare your case from the onset.  There may be months of needed groundwork before you officially file.

5.  Can you afford to fund the battle?  Child custody battles are very costly.  The process is long and arduous and cannot be decided overnight, nor without a hearing, unless there is clear and imminent danger to the child.  Do you have the  resources to fund the litigation and hire the necessary experts to support your claim? 

6.  Can your child afford the battle?  If your son is worrying about his living arrangement and not about acquiring the next video game, then he's already under considerable stress.  How is his emotional health?  If he's depressed, anxious, or underachieving at school, being caught in the midst of litigation will surely exacerbate his condition. 

It would seem then that there is never a good time to proceed, but like all tough decisions, it's a weighing game.  Putting your child through the rigors of a custody battle, may, in the end, save him.  Not listening to your child, not acting on his rational desires and not fighting for him can cause more harm than the fight in some cases.

Sometimes the decision isn't entirely based upon the immediate outcome.  One mother fought a long and costly battle to change the domicile of her teenagers after her new husband finally found a decent job which required a move to a distant state.  I advised her that the likelihood of success was not great and the cost would be high. 

The woman smoothed her dress, straightened her shoulders and said softly: "I want my children to know that I wanted them, and I fought for them.  Whatever happens, I can live with.  They need to know that I loved them enough to not walk away without a fight." 

Hard to argue with such logic. 

It's Not About the Money!

Nor the sofa, nor the teapot, it's not even about the house.  When an object becomes the focal point in
the fight to dissolve a marriage, it's time to dig a bit deeper. 

Disputes over the coffee table may be a distraction from the real issue at hand--one that stands in the way of personal closure.  Difficulty letting go manifests itself in many ways including an unnatural attachment to the ottoman.

It's simple and dismissive to say "it's only stuff."  At an estate sale today, a rather loud saleswoman emitted that same edict to a roomful of browsers.  I wanted to retort, "yes, but it's someone's life, also."  Uncharacteristically, I held my tongue.  

It IS your life as a couple, represented by choices mutually made in feathering the nest and during adventures when the family was in better order. 

Breaking the household apart, while breaking one's heart is devastating. 

Dig deep and with honesty.  If the desire is to make the new place more familiar, or there's a special attachment, then speak up.  If the true motive is to hurt the other side or thwart an enemy combatant, then let it go. 

Fresh beginnings need only seeds from the past.  The purchase price in dollars and emotions will be highly inflated otherwise. 

Maybe get something else in return for the concession.

I like to believe, upon exiting an estate sale that the item I've just purchased is part of a continuum from one life to another.   Someday the odds and ends my husband and I have culled during the years
will end up the same way.

And don't save it for the kids--they want to accumulate their own stuff!

Who Gets the Harley?

Who gets what personal property in a divorce?  There's a joke amongst family lawyers that the man receives everything that reclines or plugs in, and the woman gets everything else. 

Of course it's not quite so simple, but there's a morsel of truth to the general rule that pieces of personal significance go to the person for whom the item was acquired.  Sadly, when a spouse feels
particularly injured, the need for retribution often makes those items of personal significance to their partner highly attractive.

Then, it's off to the races, yet it's not the teacups the couple is sparring over.  The goods are rarely the issue, it's usually much deeper.  The tsunami of divorce brings with it horrific waves of emotion, anger, fear and yes, greed.  Rational decision making may not resurface in time.  One particularly fastidious doctor chronicled everything down to the remaining tablespoons of conditioner in his wife's shower.  She was not pleased.  Hair washing accelerated. 

Another highly successful client, a former Fortune 500 CEO, had amassed an impressive collection of new and vintage Harley Davidson motorcycles.  In retirement, these bikes had helped him redefine his lifestyle--one that did not include his rather prim and disinterested wife.  Trips to national biker gatherings with other "HOGS"were not the lady's cup of tea.  The couple spent less and less time together.  One particular "Fat Boy" was the man's pride and joy.  Guess which cycle the wife set her stubborn eye upon?  The petite femme even took riding and safety lessons so that she could claim she had the ability operate this heavy machinery.  The cost of the dispute far exceeded the value of the bike.  The missus eventually prevailed, but she paid a premium.  Now the ex wife has an expensive and dusty motorbike parked in the garage.  Last time I ran into the client, he was driving a gorgeous custom version of the same bike, with a like minded lady on the back. 

What if Harley's the family pet?  The Courts define beloved animals as personal property.  Thus the rules for division of Cuddles the cat are the same as the family room sofa.  Who purchased the pet?  Is the pet registered or titled in one spouse's name?  Will the children benefit from the presence of Fido, or the sofa for that matter?  The best interest of the dog are not considered.  A dollar value is placed on the animal.  There may be a bidding auction.  Sounds cold, but the Courts are so clogged up with disputes over biped children that there's simply no time for the poor four legged creatures.

Inherited goods like grandma's sideboard usually go with the grandchild.  Gifts go to the recipient, often including expensive jewelry. Be careful when turning over Great Aunt Sophie's ring. 

The bachelor leather sofa comes out of the basement and leaves on his truck.  The kids' property goes with the custodial parent, but each side should take familiar toys and items to ease the transition with familiarity.  Remember that little eyes are always watching the goings on--so be the adults and make it okay for them. 

Early in the process, I advise clients to take individual photos of most  belongings because things do disappear. Once that occurs, it's much more difficult to establish existence or value.  Create a spreadsheet, particularly of valuables such as tools and collectables.  Include a photograph, purchase information if available, and estimated fair market value.  A good source for current value are EBay and other auction sales sites.   Insurance appraisals provide another valuable  reference.

Judges do not use acquisition or replacement costs.  In the end "street value" rules.

There are arbitrators who specialize in the division of personal property disputes without the use of counsel.  Most attorneys are thrilled to turn these disputes over as few wish to become involved in the fray over the toaster.  A favorite arbitrator often shows up on moving day with a folding chair.  Disputed items are piled in the garage.  With truck engines running, a coin is tossed and the winner gets to pick their first item.  The loser gets the next two picks and the rotation continues until  all the boxes are loaded.  No one goes home happy, but they all go home.

It's easy to say "it's only stuff" but we define ourselves by our belongings and take years to accumulate things of personal importance.  In divorce, as in life, it's a balancing act.  Is this item irreplaceable?  Is the protraction of litigation better than beginning the painful process of restarting
your life.  In most cases it's not.

Just be sure to get a good price for the darned thing!